SS - 15

Sharing 15

So this is heartache …

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I have never been the confrontational type. I am the one who pretends that a problem doesn’t exist until it magically goes away. I hate arguments or any kind of conflict. So it goes without saying that I did not ask Seunghyun about the kiss.

As I lay sleepless in my bed and my phone tightly clasped on my chest, I waited for a phone call or text that never came. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to hear what happened from him. I just wanted to ignore it and pretend that it was just a natural thing for a guy and a girl to kiss after a date. I should have expected this right? I should have thought about the outcome of this complicated situation I knowingly got into. I should have been prepared for the hurt to come. I should have … but I have not …

I have not prepared myself for this. I was too foolish to think that there will not be any intimate moments between Bom and Seunghyun. I was too naïve to envision all this sharing game like it’s a child’s play date. And I have nobody to blame but myself. 

I woke up with a heavy heart and it was past 10AM when I got up. Mom left a note saying she had to work but left breakfast at the table. After eating, I decided to get out of the house and get some fresh air to clear the dark cloud that’s settled over my head. I saddled up Tamtamie for a long due exercise and at first, I aimlessly wander around until I realize that I am heading towards Bom’s house.

Not before long, we entered their gate and I was already down and tying Tamtam on a fence rail when I noticed a familiar red motorcycle.

I felt my heart drop with a thud. 

For a moment, my legs wouldn’t move. I was unable to decide if I should run away or go inside the house. 

Due to my few moments of indecision, I was seen by the caretaker of Bom’s family. The ahjumma knows me well and called me to come inside.

I started to shake my head, finally deciding to run away but she was already calling Bom and telling her that I’ve come to visit. 

Bom immediately came outside and hugged me tightly. “You’re just in time!” She started pulling my arm. “We’re having lunch. You should join us.”

I tried to disengage and protest saying that I just ate but Bom was having none of it. She seemed so cheerful today and arriving at the kitchen, I saw the reason why.

Seunghyun looked like a deer caught in the headlights, eyes wide and stiff. 

“Dara is joining us for lunch” Bom loudly announced.

I peel my eyes away from Seunghyun and said hello to Bom’s parents.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you” I said, “I was just in the area and took my horse out for exercise … I didn’t mean to intrude-“

“Hush” Bom’s mom interrupted me. “What are you saying? You know you can always come and go here, right? Come sit beside me.” She patted the chair next to her which was across Seunghyun. He’s sitting beside Bom and Uncle Park is at the head of the table.

I awkwardly said thank you and basically forced fed myself and it was a miracle that I did not choke to death because I felt a huge lump on my throat all throughout the meal. I was quiet, unlike the usual happy chatterbox that I used to be whenever I come over and Seunghyun was noticeably monosyllabic as well. He only talked when he was spoken to.

Immediately after dessert, I excused myself citing some household chores that needed to get done before my mother arrives tonight.

“Seunghyun and I are studying together” Bom informed me. “Why don’t you stay a while longer so we can do research for Economics together?”

I shake my head. “I’m really sorry Bom. Maybe next time?” I answered and forced a smile.

“Oh, alright.” She acquiesced.

I said goodbye to the room and met everyone’s eyes except Seunghyun’s.

I couldn’t get out there fast enough.

*****************************

The test message came a few minutes after.

I can explain, it read.

I ignored it.

Another beep. Let’s talk, please.

 

I rode Tamtam faster.

A few minutes later, I heard my phone ringing. I knew it was him. I let it rang and rang.

After a few hours, I grew tired of thinking.

“Where are you?” he asked, when I finally decided to answer his call. 

I paused for a beat, then in a small voice, “Where we first met …”

He was silent for a while and then I heard him let out a deep sigh. “I’ve been looking all over for you …”his voice hinted exasperation. “I was so worried when I found out you weren’t at your house. You wouldn’t answer my texts and my calls …”

I can imagine him raking his fingers through his hair in a frustrated manner. But I am at a loss on what to say so I stayed silent.

“Wait for me there.” He told me. “Don’t leave.” He hanged up.

When Seunghyun arrived, I did not stand up from where I was sitting under a huge tangerine tree on a higher up part of the grove, overlooking the rest of the plantation. I merely raised my head to look at him and we held our gaze for a moment and then he sat beside me.

The silence was particularly painful but I did not want to be the first one to speak. Finally, after a couple of minutes, Seunghyun did.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I kept my silence and just stared straight ahead, not looking at him.

“I should have told you … Her parents personally invited me the other day when I sent Bom home so I couldn’t decline. It’s just lunch, Dara. It’s not a big deal.”

“If it’s not a big deal then you could have mentioned it easily, right?” I said, trying to leave out the accusing tone. I turn to look at him. “Is there anything else you’re not telling me?”

He averts his gaze and I knew. I picked up some of it earlier during lunch. I sat here thinking about all the little solicitous acts of Seunghyun to Bom during lunch. Although he was pretty quiet, he was very attentive to Bom’s needs and the way he sincerely looked at her made me feel insecure.

He let out a deep sigh. “I don’t think I can do this anymore …”

I felt a sharp pain right across my chest and it was difficult to breathe.

“Bom is a sweet girl,” he continued. “I’m really having a hard time pretending …” he looks at me, his eyes dark and hooded. “She trusts me completely, Dara. She relies on me and I just couldn’t continue hurting her this way … it’s not fair for her or to any of us … I’m sorry …”

Seunghyun is visibly struggling and I want to help him but I am hurting too.

“What do you really want to say, Seunghyun?” I ask quietly.

He held my gaze. “You know I hate the lying and the sneaking around. I am already having a hard time with school and things at home with my grandfather. I just think that we should stop this” he implored. “And … I admit, I’m starting to develop some feelings for Bom … I didn’t plan for this to happen … it was so easy to care for her.” Seunghyun reached for my hand and I was too weak from his confession to react. “I’m sorry Sandara. It just happened. I’m sorry.” He lifts up my hands to his lips but I pulled them back.

I turned away from him. I blinked away the hot tears threatening behind my eyes. I took deep, measured breaths before I said the words so my voice wouldn’t shake. “I understand,” I began. “That’s good, then. I wish you and Bom happiness. This way, we wouldn’t have to sneak around. You won’t feel guilty at all anymore dating Bom.” I braved a smile at him. “Really, this turned out for the best …” I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat. “You can just focus on Bom from now on.”

If Seunghyun was expecting an answer from me, that, certainly was not it judging from the widening of his eyes. But I continued on, trying to make this easy for both of us. After all, this was all my fault. “It’s alright. We’ll still be friends right? Just take care of my bestfriend-“

“That’s it?” he interrupted me. He raked his fingers through his hair and stood up. “I’m telling you all this and that’s your reaction?”

“What do you want me to say?” I raised my voice a little. “Should I make you feel guilty for liking my bestfriend? You said you want to stop this, didn’t you? You said you’re tired of sneaking around. You said-“

“I know what I said” he interrupted me again. He looked at me for a brief moment before he averted his eyes and I’m not sure if it was hurt or disappointed that I saw in his face. “I know what I said.” He repeated. “I just can’t believe that it’s that easy for you … what about us?”

“Like I said, we’d still be friends, right?” I smiled at him, but deep inside, smiling was the last thing that I wanted to do. I wanted to voice out my disappointment in him and a bubble of anger escaped my lips. “Besides, we never really talked about what our relationship was … it’s not like we were in a commitment …” the words I uttered sent stab wounds in my heart but I wanted to hurt Seunghyun, too, I realized. I was trying to be cool about this and refused to be the pitiable girl who was dumped for her best friend but he was making it hard. 

This time, when Seunghyun faced me, disappointment was evident in his face. Perhaps there’s a little bit of anger, too, at my little jab. “So that’s it then …” his tone belied his words. “Goodbye and goodluck?”

“Yeah” I breathed out. “Goodbye Seunghyun and I wish you and Bom happiness.” I restated my earlier statement.

He was looking down at me while I remain rooted in my seat. I am hugging my knees to keep myself from shaking. 

Seunghyun looked like he wanted to say something more but decided against it. He turned his back from me abruptly and walked away towards his bike and I watched him sped out away from the grove where our story began, without looking back. Not even once.

*****************************

I was on auto-pilot the next few days at school. I went to class, talked to friends, attended the play’s rehearsal and even ate lunch with Bom and Seunghyun with the rest of the gang, without crying. In fact, I never shed a single tear after saying goodbye to Seunghyun. It felt like my heart was apart from my body. I could not feel it. It was not there. A couple of times, I placed my hand over my left chest just to feel if it was still beating because it felt numb. But all I felt was a huge gaping hole where my heart used to be. It scared me to be calm like this. It was eerie. But I was more hyper, livelier than I’ve ever been and my friends took notice. Minzy said that I turned into an Energizer bunny.

I was especially alert during the two rehearsals we’ve had this week. After all, Seunghyun was there. I did not want him to see me being mopey. I was happy and glad. Truly. He and Bom love each other so all is well in the world.

That Saturday, it was Taeyang’s birthday and everyone decided to go to a noraebang once again where we went before for Bom’s party. I went in high spirits. We are also going to finalize our plan for the Senior’s MT expedition which happens every last weekend of January. All the seniors from school go to this event as a last hurrah before all the exams and college preparations start.

Like any regular day when the rest of the gang hangs out, everyone was rowdy and loud and generally in a party mood. Even I, who smiled at Bom when she came in with Seunghyun felt festive. I sang and danced and joined along with the merry-making.

I was doing fine. I was happy. I was okay.

Until reality hit me.                                                                                    

Until it finally came crashing down on me without a warning.

Bom was singing Genie by SNSD complete with the dance steps and she was, as usual, amazing. When she was done and we were clapping and yelling for more, she sat beside Seunghyun and he smiled at her looking like Bom is the most adorable thing in the world and he casually wrapped an arm around Bom which made her blush.

I was sitting adjacent to their seat so I could see their side profiles. Bom was sitting nearer to me.

All of a sudden, Seunghyun pulls Bom closer and kissed her on the right cheek which resulted to cheers from our friends and Seungri yelling for more.

I froze on this unexpected PDA.

I couldn’t breathe all of a sudden.

Was it my imagination when I saw Seunghyun glance my way just before he pulled his lips away from Bom’s cheek?

I did not have time to think much anymore as I found myself standing up and leaving the room.

“Where are you going?” asked Minzy.

“Restroom,” I managed to croak out, just before the first hot tear fell.

My knees were shaking and I was half-blind from the dam of tears as I find my way out of the noraebang. I couldn’t breathe and needed some open space. In my haste, I almost caused a waiter to spill the drinks he had on a tray along the dimly-lit hallway. I was too much in a hurry to even apologize.

It was still hours yet before nightfall but it was cloudy and the sky was threatening of rain when I finally was out of the establishment.

I walked towards the narrow alley beside the building and sank to my knees when I reached it. I was too weak. The scene earlier felt like a physical blow and I couldn’t handle it. I was letting out loud, heaving sobs as I clutch the clothes above my left chest.

It was too painful.

It was too much.

My dormant heart has finally awoken and feels like an active volcano threatening to rip out my chest. The pain fills me within my core and spread throughout my body. I was shaking uncontrollably.

I felt angry. I felt pain. I felt betrayed.

Why Seunghyun? Why? My mind was screaming. Why did you have to let me see that?

And then, my dark thoughts turned to Bom. It was all Bom’s fault. She was the reason why all this happened. Why did she have to be sick? Why didn’t she just die?

But as soon as those thoughts came, guilt came just as quickly.

I was shaking my head furiously. No. No. Oh, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I don’t wish Bom dead. I’m sorry … I’m sorry …

I was looking up at the heavens saying ‘Sorry … Sorry’ over and over when I felt a warm hand at my back.

“Dara, are you okay?” It was Chaerin. She knelt beside me and hugged me. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, Chae! I didn’t mean it” I wailed. “I don’t want Bom to die.”

She stared at me silently but kept running her hand up and down my back. “Of course” she said finally and hugs me again.

“I’m just so hurt, Chae. My heart,” I was repeatedly beating my palm against my chest, “my heart, it hurts so much. It hurts so much.” A fresh wave of tears erupted again. “Make it stop, please. Make it stop …”

“Sshhh…” Chaerin soothes. “It will be okay Dee … it will be okay …”

But I know that it wouldn’t.

Nothing is going to be okay again.

Because my heart has been obliterated into tiny million pieces.

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A/N:

Hi lovelies! 

It’s been a while, huh?

Sorry for all the drama but we all know that this is coming, right?

Do let me know what you think. I love reading your comments.

Honestly, I’m kinda sad that this is the least popular among my three stories because this is my favourite but hey, as long as you, those who’ve subscribed and continued to show some love for this fic are happy, then I’ll be happy too.

I was finally inspired to write following the Tabisan interaction in Japan and now, the news about Dara starring in a web drama! Yey! I can’t wait!

I have this up in Wattpad, btw --http://www.wattpad.com/user/mzbookworm4life.

Feel free to state your comments, suggestions or violent reactions below.

*bisous*

~mzbookworm4life