On My Way To You- 6

Dara~~ How does one move on?

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Despite the rain, the crew was driven to finish the shoot but we got the bad news that the storm that was supposed to go north changed its trajectory and now is heading straight for Yeoseo. Everyone went on panic mode and the photographer decided to shoot in the rain instead. In fairness to Choi diva, he was very professional during the shoot and didn’t complain being under the rain. Good thing that spring has come, or else, we’d all be freezing by now. Everyone was satisfied with the final results despite getting the clothes wet. It was an original concept, everyone praised and TOP was especially complimented; flattered, applauded over and over again which I suspect only inflated his already massive ego.

I piled heaps of praise to the photographer instead. I mean he was injured and he was creative enough to think of an impromptu concept. I was saying this out loud just to counter all the kudos that Choi diva is getting. The thing was I think I overdid it because the photographer became all too friendly and flirty all of a sudden so I escaped soon after and looked for Jjangme.

Come afternoon, the widowed harabeoji who owns the house we’re living in dropped by to give us some food supplies hearing that we’ll be trapped in the island for at least two days. He’s temporarily staying at his daughter’s house during our stay. He also placated our fears saying that the house is sturdy and they’ve experienced harsher storms before.

When night fell, I started doubting his words because it felt like that the roof and the whole house will come crashing down on us. I could hear the wind howling and the trees were dancing against each other. To add to our distress, we lost electricity and phone signal. The jerk I was with was no help. He refused to move in with the rest of the people we came to the island with. He said strangers in close proximity make him uncomfortable. Most of them were at the community hall that is relatively new and made of concrete and has two floors.

I was about to retort that being a celebrity, it’s a given that you’ll be surrounded by strangers most of the time but I just let it go. I was exhausted and the weather was making me lazier by the minute.

The thing is Choi diva couldn’t sleep and that means I can’t sleep either. He kept on calling me for little errands like water and check for phone signal. He also made me cook some ramen and follow him around with the gas lantern. I learned that he was afraid of the dark when he started screaming my name when we lost electricity and it turned pitch black inside the house. He made me scour for candles and had every one of them lit on every corner of the house.

Right now, it’s just half past eight and the night is still young and we’ve got nothing to do but lounge in the small living room. He’s lying on the couch and I’m on the floor sitting on a pillow. I was getting fidgety with the awkward silence between us. The night would have been perfectly silent if not for the noise made by the storm.

Choi is busy with his iPod and I felt like a slave waiting on the jerk prince so I started checking on my phone, too. With nothing to do, I began opening the messages that were saved in my Inbox for the past months. One by one, I read the messages sent by friends and even by people I barely know. Some were well meaning messages and encouragements while some were fishing for gossip about what really happened between me and Jiyong. I was surprised that many people seem to know about our secret relationship. Reading the messages made me tear up and I started sniffing quietly minding my own business when Choi diva started shaking my leg with his foot.

“What?!” I crankily voiced out.

“Are you crying?” he stupidly asked.

I sniffed and wiped my tears with the hem of my shirt. “I’m not,” I answered sarcastically.

“Stop that,” he ordered. “I hate seeing people cry.”

I rolled my eyes at him.

After a moment, he stood up. “Follow me,” he beckoned, going to the direction of the kitchen.

That was my queue to pick up the lantern to light up Choi diva’s way.

He started searching through the cabinets until he found a tin kettle. Without a word, he started walking towards the back door.

“Yah! Where are you going? It’s raining cats and dogs out there …” Nevertheless, I followed him.

“Get yourself an umbrella.” He already grabbed one from the corner and went out in the rain but did not step too far away since I have the precious gas lamp with me. “Ppali!”

“I’m coming, you crazy jerk” I muttered. The wind was freezing cold and I began shivering as soon as I stepped out in the rain as a blast of cold wind almost knocked me over. “Do you want to die?” I cried over the noise of the rain and I fought hard to keep my umbrella from flipping.

“Ppali!” repeated the jerk.

I had no choice but follow him.

He began opening the huge earthen jars one by one, searching for something. Finally, he found what he was looking for and motioned me to come nearer so he can see better. He began scooping some off-white looking liquid from the jar to the kettle, the aroma of fermentation reaching my sensitive nose.

“What are you doing?” I asked. “How did you know there’s some rice wine here?”

“Harabeoji said we can help ourselves earlier.”

“Are you planning to get drunk?” I asked. It looked like he was filling the kettle to the brim.

“Can you think of anything better to do?” He asked me with raised eyebrows.

I couldn’t. 

“You’d better share that with me.” I warned.

After one hour…

“I hate you!” I declared as I placed the kettle on the small wooden table. I was shivering from the cold and my hair has gotten a little wet since I had to balance the lamp, the umbrella and the kettle when Choi jerk asked me to get another fill of rice wine on my own. Who knew that he’s a good drinker?

“I want more squid” he demanded as soon as I sat down on the floor. He was holding the last dried squid that I heated up on a frying pan in one hand and the empty plate in the other.

With a tortured glare, I went to the kitchen to find some more squid and maybe some rat poison as well. He was soooo demanding. I had to make sure that all the candles I could find inside the house were lit so he would be left in darkness earlier before I went out. You would think that a big oaf like him wouldn’t be scared of the dark. But no … What is he? Seven? Arrgh!

When I got back from the kitchen, I filled my tin bowl with makgeolli and drank it all in one go and then snatched the squid that Choi was trying to reach and made a show of biting off its head. I chewed angrily imagining that it’s Choi’s head I’m cannibalizing. “I really hate you” I huffed.

“I heard you the first time,” was his unconcerned reply.

My reply was to drink another bowl full of rice wine and give him a stink eye. I felt depressed and it was like I was all alone.

I began to sniff and tears started falling like what always happen when I get drunk. Or, depending if I feel happy at that moment, I would all be giggling or laughing like crazy. Guess what’s my mood now?

“Yah! Stop that!”

I cried even harder. “I can’t help - (sniff) help it.”

“What are you crying for? If people would see us they’d think I’m bullying you…”

“B-but you are...” I whined.

“I do not!” he loudly rebuffed.

“See? You always yell at me. You always scowl at me. You’re always mean when you order me around,” I was holding out my fingers and counting all the injustices that Choi has inflicted upon my person. And I was not finished, “You always call me stupid. You never call me by my name and … and …” I paused to think, “Y-You’re always mean to me…”

“You already said that”, he thundered.

“See? You’re always rude!” I wailed. “I’m not asking for much. I don’t even ask for friendship. I… I know that you’re friends with J-Jiyong … its fine if you don’t want to be friends with me but can’t we be at least civil? I’m trying my best here even if I didn’t want this job. If you didn’t want me as your manager you could have said so to YG Sajangnim … I didn’t ask for this either” I sniffed, my nose started running. “You think this is easy for me? I wanted to get away from this …. Get away from them …” I was wildly gesticulating with my hands.

I doubled over and leaned my head on the small wooden table where the plate of dried squid and rice wine are placed and began bawling like a baby. I was pounding my chest because it hurts a lot and I feel like the whole world is against me.

“Yah! Yah! Stop that” I heard Seunghyun calling me.

I tried to stop crying. Honestly I did, but it’s like I opened a floodgate and the stress of the past few days was let out in a deluge. I furiously wiped my eyes with the back of my hands and even used the sleeves of my jacket but I couldn’t control the broken sobs that escape my mouth.

“Drink this” Seunghyun ordered and handed me a tall glass. He reached for my hand when I didn’t follow his order and I had no choice but take it. I didn’t notice him leaving for the kitchen.

I drank and found that it was water.

“Are you okay?” he said in a concerned tone. He was looking at me like he actually cared and I felt a well of tears come up behind my eyes again.

I shook my head. “I’m not. I’m not okay. I feel like I’m never going to be okay … My heart,” I pointed to it, “my heart … it’s hurting … it hurts so much. I thought that I’d be okay by now … I thought that I’m strong enough to face them by now … but you know what?” I raised my head and was surprised that he was sitting right beside me, our bodies are almost touching.

“What?” he asked in his deep voice.

“They say that time heals all wounds. What a lie!” I snickered. “I spent all those months away hoping that time will heal my broken heart but each time I remember them, it’s like I’m back to square one. It hurts … it hurts … so damn much …” I’m heaving with so much pain. “I want to forget … I want to move on … Every day I feel like I’ll never be happy again. It’s like I’m stuck in middle of an ocean and no matter where I swim, there’s only loneliness and pain. I try so hard to forget and move on but I can’t seem to … I hate feeling weak and pathetic when it comes to him … I don’t deserve this … God knows I want to move on with my life … Tell me, how does one move on?” I was aware that I was slurring my words; I start to feel the effects of the rice wine.

I turned to face him. We are now looking at each other.

“You don’t,” he said after a moment.

“Well, isn’t that great?” I let out loud, sarcastically. “Then I think I’m doomed to die with a broken heart!”

“No, you won’t.” he sounded so sure. I looked at him quizzically, trying to focus. “I heard that you don’t really move on, you just get used to it.”

I went silent, pondering on his words.

He continued. “You may never move on because no matter how long time passes, there will be instances when you’ll be reminded of the pain. I mean, how can one forget that exact moment when your heart breaks into pieces, right? Or the pain that follows after? But,” he looks at me intently, convincingly, “you’ll get used to it. In time, you’ll get used to the pain until it becomes a dull ache and then … when you’re reminded of your heartbreak, it’ll eventually feel like it’s a shadow of something that used to be very painful.”

“How can you be so sure? Have you had your heart broken?”

He was silent for a time. He moved a few inches away from me and rested his back against the small sofa behind us. In a quiet voice, he said as he looked away, “I have.”

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A/N:

What are your thoughts on moving on? I, for one, believe in what TOP said. I’m one of those people who don’t forget … I just get used to the pain …

Song for the day is Kiss the Rain by Yiruma => https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so6ExplQlaY

All of my stories are also available in my blog => http://msbookworm4life.blogspot.com/

If you have comments, suggestions or violent reactions, feel free to state your case below.

*bisous*

~mzbookworm4life