On My Way To You - 2

Dara~~Losing you was like being hit by a bullet

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I thought that I’ll be ready when the time comes. It turns out that no amount of preparation can lessen the pain of a heart that’s about to be broken.

I found him in the living room inside the apartment he bought for me 3 years ago. We used to rent an officetel before but since he started earning a lot, he bought me this as a gift.

It’s near midnight and I just got back from YG. I was expecting him yesterday but he didn’t contact me even after he and her arrived from Japan. This time, I didn’t make the first move. I was always the one to call first lately. Our communication through phone has grown scarce over the past months. He is busier than ever and I used that to justify all those times when we couldn’t see each other or when he couldn’t answer my messages and calls. I preferred to turn a blind eye. I was a willing victim of blissful ignorance. But I wasn’t really ignorant, was I? Deep inside, I knew of his infidelities.

He is sitting in the middle of the black leather couch he helped me pick, back in those days when we were drunk with love and the prospect of building of having our own private home was a big deal. I had a momentary flashback of the bright eyed and crazy in love kids that we used to be. Now, we look nothing like those kids. 

His shoulders are slumped and his hands clasped, elbows resting on his thighs.

“You’re back” I said, by way of greeting.

He looks up, and his eyes follow me as I go to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I was glad he didn’t follow me. My hands were shaking, pouring water to the glass. 

He remained silent.

“Have you eaten?” I forced my voice to sound unaffected.

He didn’t answer and instead gave an audible sigh. I can’t hide behind the kitchen counter forever and there’s only so much water one can drink so I steadied my jellied legs and made my way back to the living room.

“We need to talk” he began.

This is it. Oh God, please help me.

 

“Sandara …” again, he sighed loudly. 

Hearing my full name, coming from him, hurt. Not with that tone. This guy whose voice I’d recognize anywhere with all the intonation and pitch. He sounds like he’s about to recite a speech he’s prepared.

I couldn’t take it so I turned my back on him and went inside my room. I remove my jacket and dropped it on the bed. I opened the closet and pretended to choose something to wear but really, I was furiously blinking to stop the tears from falling. 

I feel his presence but he stayed just at the threshold of the doorframe, not coming inside the room. 

“Sandara …”

“Is my name all you can say? I thought you wanted to talk.” 

“How can we talk if you’re not facing me?” he sounded a little bit angry. 

I stopped going through the hangers and took a couple of deep breaths before facing him. I can barely see his face, with him against the lights. I didn’t turn on the lights in the bedroom and only the bedside lamp is illuminating us. I was thankful for the dimness. I don’t want him to fully see my reaction. “Talk.”

He runs his fingers through his hair while his left hand is firmly grasping the handle of the wide open door. “You’re not making it easy for the both of us” he said, chiding.

I was affronted. I almost let out a snort. When did he turn into such a bastard? I sat on the corner of the bed. I was afraid I’ll fly onto him into a rage.

“I think we should break up.” There, he said it. This is the first time that he initiated the break up. I used to be the one to break it up whenever a dating scandal of him explodes in the news. “I don’t think it’s working out for us. We’ve grown apart and I feel like we don’t know each other anymore.”

And whose fault was that, you bastard? I scream inside my head. I agreed to keep our relationship a secret to protect his career and even avoided being seen with him. I trusted him and his promise that we’ll be together forever. Because of this, we have grown apart, true. 

My heart is breaking all over again.

“I’m sorry” he said. “I’ve fallen out of love with you …”

Can you hear that? Can you hear that, Jiyong? My heart is breaking. I never thought it could reach this level of pain. I feel like it’s being ripped out of my chest.

“I’ll have the rest of my stuff picked up tomorrow. You can keep the apartment. It’s yours anyway. Look,” he sounds frustrated. “I don’t want this to end on a bad note. I hope we can still be friends.”

F*ck you! I cursed in my head. Is he effing kidding me? Friends? After betraying me? I realize that I’m shaking. “Why her?” I voiced out.

I can tell his shocked face against the dim light. “Chaerin has nothing to do with this” he answered after recovering.

That did it for me. Hearing her name from him made the tears I bravely fought to keep in, spilled on my cheeks.

“Why does it have to be her?” I asked brokenly. “How can you do this to me?”

He takes a couple of steps towards me and then stops as if there’s an invisible barrier he cannot cross. “It’s not our fault” he defended.

“Oh? It’s my fault then?!” I shouted. “I did everything to make you happy. I gave everything I have. I made you my entire world. Why is it still not enough?”

“Stop. Stop it!” He begins to walk backwards. “It’s over for us. This is goodbye, Sandara.”

He turned his back and I watch him walk away from me. I propelled onwards and latched onto his back. I hug him tight, not intending to let go.

“Don’t do this. Please don’t do this. Don’t leave.” I beg. “I’ll forgive everything. We’ll start anew. Like always … I love you. I love you so much!” 

I hear the sound of the front door bang shut. 

I come to my senses. It was all my imagination. 

I’m still sitting on my bed. I did not beg. 

I lay on my side and curled into fetal position. I cried until I fell asleep.

♪♫ Like being hit by a bullet

Really, my heart hurts so much

It hurts so much,

It hurts so much,

That’s weird I can still live.

How can I forget you?

Me?

I don’t know how to do such things.

I don’t know.

My heart is awake and I can’t put it to sleep,

All it does is hurt so much I feel like dying

Like being hit by a bullet ♪♫

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I could barely open my puffy eyes the next morning. My eyes hurt so much I couldn’t even cry properly. The hours passed by until I heard insistent knocks on my door. My heart leaps with hope for a second. I later realized that it can’t be Jiyong. He knows the pass code.

I quickly wash my face. My eyes were as red as ever. It didn’t make any difference so I wear a pair of dark sunglasses.

Jiyong’s manager was at the door with 2 YG staff. I feel another stab of pain. Seems that he can’t wait to move out. It’s not like he has a lot of things in my place. I belatedly realized that he stopped bringing new stuff the past year. 

“I’m sorry Dara,” his manager said, unable to look at me. “Jiyong … he … he-“

I opened the door wide. “You know where his stuff is” I said. He has run errands for him before.

He gave an apologetic look and a bow which was mirrored by the other 2 staff before coming inside the door. 

I didn’t want them to see me crying so I grabbed a jacket and my wallet. “Oppa” I called his manager. “Just lock the door when you’re done. I’m about to go to the grocery anyway.”

He takes a step towards me. “Are you … okay?”

“Of course” I lied. I gave him a smile. Good thing my eyes are hidden. “Don’t forget to clear out his toiletries in the bathroom. Oh, and take all the CDs and DVDs. The Playstation, too.”

I waved goodbye and left.

I stayed in the supermarket for 4 hours. I bought useless stuff and food I most likely will not eat. 

It was almost midnight when I got home. It took me 4 trips to haul everything I bought up.

I went straight to bed and cried my heart out after checking if his things are all gone. They took everything. 

I should be glad. They did as I asked.

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A/N:

I’ve decided to include links of my song inspiration per chapter.

For this one, it’s Like Being Hit by a Bullet by Baek Ji Young

Click on this link if you are not familiar with it. I guarantee it will make you cry => http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWRF2U1QW4o

If you have comments, suggestions or violent reactions, feel free to state your case below.

*bisous*

~mzbookworm4life